


All the corners of you (all the bones that I knew)

by thatsformetoknow



Series: portfolio [6]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: :))))), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, an ambiguously happy ending, bc kuron doesn’t come back to life yall, bc vld killed him, lance cries, lance is grieving, shance in the future, shiro tries to talk to him, they have a cuddle, this is a sad one lads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-07 21:00:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19857949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsformetoknow/pseuds/thatsformetoknow
Summary: “Lance.” It’s his voice.Lance doesn’t move, he can’t. He can’t do this, he can’t look at his face, he can’t listen to his voice, he can’t do this.“Lance.” He says again. It’s still his voice. As if Lance was expecting him to sound a little less like him. “Are you alright?” He asks and Lance feels his lips curl into a smile.He laughs. It’s hollow and it’s broken and it’s bitter, but it’s a laugh nonetheless.“Everyone’s worried about you.” He presses. “I’mworried about you.”Lance swivels in his chair, looking Shiro dead in the eye. “I wish you were dead.” He says. His voice doesn’t waver, despite not having used it for goodness knows how long.Shiro doesn’t flinch, instead he holds his eye contact and nods. “I know.” He says and whatever Lance expected it wasn’t that. Pure and utter resignation and acknowledgement.





	All the corners of you (all the bones that I knew)

Lance hasn’t left his lion in days. He hasn’t spoken to anyone, either. He’s turned off his comms and left the feed of the others coming through at such a low hum it fades into white noise. He’s had Red on autopilot since they left and he’s been sitting in the cockpit looking out at the sky. 

No one’s tried to talk to him, not even Hunk and it would hurt but everything feels a little bit numb right now. He thinks maybe that deep down they know. They know that what they did was wrong and they know that Lance is hurting and they know _why_. They know that Lance was in love with the not-Shiro and that they killed him and now he’s gone. 

Because they called him ‘it’ and ‘that thing’ and they killed him, but he was _real_. He was so real and he was so _kind_ and he was so _good_. It wasn’t his fault, it was never his fault and he’d held on for as long as he could. It wasn’t his fault, and they killed him.

They traded the superior Shiro for the ‘bad’ one. Brought Shiro back from the dead and killed Kuron while they were at it. It’s like a broken record that just keeps playing over and over in Lance’s head. 

_They killed him. He’d dead. They killed him. And he is dead._.

They know, they must know it was a mistake, they must know that there must have been something else that they could have done. And that must be why they haven’t talked to him since they left. Because they know and they’re ashamed and they know that Lance never would have let it happen had he known, had he been given the _chance_ to stop it. 

Because he was injured, yes… but he was _alive_. And they killed him. 

He lets Red follow the formation as everyone moves to land on a planet surface, but Lance doesn’t make to move when they do land. He can see everyone else getting out, stretching their legs and talking together. 

Lance doesn’t move. 

He can’t. He can’t go out and _be with them_. He’d duck down in his seat so that they might not see him if they were to look up, but… he just doesn’t have the energy. It’s like… It’s like he barely has the energy to breathe, because nothing has ever been _this_.

Because they’ve been living in a war for the past god knows how long and they’ve lost and they’ve lost and they’ve _lost_ , but nothing hurts like this. All they’ve done is lose and Lance feels lost, right now. He thinks maybe that they’ve lost him too. 

Somewhere between that planet that Kuron died on and this one here they’ve left Lance among the stars and it’s just his empty body weighing down this pilot seat. 

Lance thinks that Red could probably fall off of the side of this planet right now and Lance wouldn’t even blink. 

It’s crushing and it’s suffocating and it’s _nothingness_ all at once. Because they’ve fought so hard. They’ve fought and they’ve lost but they murdered him. He- who lived with them for months, who _was one of them_. Who ate breakfast with and trained with and showered with and slept with and-

And Lance loved him. 

But he’s gone now. 

That’s what gets him the most that’s what makes it feel like a crater in his chest right now that he was one of them. That hell, if it turned out that right now Lance was the clone they’d murder him too. Any of them just to get the ‘original’ back. 

But fuck, Shiro was already dead. Lance cares about Shiro of course he does. He was his fucking hero, he was… Lance cares about Shiro. But he loves- _loved_ Kuron. 

Maybe in the back of his mind somewhere there’s an insecurity lurking, that _of course_ he wasn’t worth Shiro’s time, that only a fake Shiro would want to spend time with him- maybe even… love him back. 

But Lance couldn’t give a damn about that, he doesn’t give a _fuck_. He doesn’t want _Shiro_ , hell, he’d kill him himself if it meant getting Kuron back. 

Could he do that? Could he really do that? Lance doesn’t know, but honestly at this point he wouldn’t put it past himself. Shiro was dead he was supposed to be dead and Kuron was alive and he was supposed to be alive, it wasn’t supposed to be a trade, life and death isn’t supposed to be so easy to trade with. 

Lance was supposed to be dead. He died. He died and Allura brought him back and she shouldn’t have. She should have left him to die, because then maybe they’d have the right number of paladins again. 

Shiro- the ‘real’ Shiro could pilot Black and Keith could be here in Red and Lance wouldn’t be slumped in this damn chair just willing his heart to just… stop beating. 

He’s a broken record in his head, he is- he _really_ is, because it’s the same points over and over and over. Because he didn’t think that they were capable of this. Because they’re his family and he _loves_ them.

If Hunk was a clone, right now, and he’d been possessed would they just kill him? Katie? Would they kill her? Lance?

He thinks of how _desperate_ Keith was. How he blindly chased after Shiro telling him that he’d never give up on him, how he _needed_ to save him like he needed to breathe, like if he let Shiro die he himself would die, too. 

And the second that they had the chance to bring the real Shiro back… Where was that fight then? Only the real Shiro’s his brother, it seemed. Not someone who shares the same DNA as him, no. He’s not worth fighting for, he’s not worth saving. 

He was worth everything to Lance and no one gives a _fuck_. They’re down there now, and they’ve made a fire, and Lance can just sort of flick his gaze towards them without moving and they seem happy and they seem fine.

Lance kind of wants to die. 

He thinks that maybe it shouldn’t be this bad. That they’ve been living inside of a war and it was only a matter of time before they lost someone, but this just hits him so _hard_ , so _deep_ it has him breathless. Like he’s underwater too far down to ever hope of coming up for air again and it’s funny… because Lance always used to find solace in the ocean. And hell, maybe he still does, because he’s drowning and he feels fine. 

He feels _nothing_. He wouldn’t mind if he were to just drown right about now, to be honest. It wouldn’t scare him. 

He flinches as there’s a knock and Red’s already opened up before Lance ask her to stop. He doesn’t turn, he doesn’t move, he doesn’t want to look. He knows. 

“Lance.” It’s his voice.

Lance doesn’t move, he can’t. He can’t do this, he can’t look at his face, he can’t listen to his voice, he can’t do this. 

“Lance.” He says again. It’s still his voice. As if Lance was expecting him to sound a little less like him. 

He thinks that it’s funny that everyone else sees Kuron as the ‘ other him’ and Lance sees Shiro as the ‘other him’, but then again, he isn’t actually laughing. 

Kuron was _his ‘him’_.

“Are you alright?” He asks and Lance feels his lips curl into a smile. 

He laughs. It’s hollow and it’s broken and it’s bitter, but it’s a laugh nonetheless. 

“Everyone’s worried about you.” He presses. “ _I’m_ worried about you.”

Lance swivels in his chair, looking Shiro dead in the eye. “I wish you were dead.” He says. His voice doesn’t waver, despite not having used it for goodness knows how long. 

Shiro doesn’t flinch, instead he holds his eye contact and nods. “I know.” He says and whatever Lance expected it wasn’t that. Pure and utter resignation and acknowledgement. 

Lance nods and averts his eyes. He thinks that maybe there’s a little pang of guilt somewhere under the numbness of it all. 

“I’m sorry.” Shiro says softly. “If I had been given a choice-”

“What _would_ you have done?” Lance asks, looking at him. “You can say what you like to try and make me feel better but nothing is going to make me feel better. So what would you have done? Given the chance to get out of the Black Lion’s consciousness? Come back from the dead? Give that up all for a fake?” He asks and he can hear the tone in his voice- it’s a _sneer_. 

“I would have insisted we at least _try_ to look for another way.”

Lance knows he’s not lying. He hates that he knows he’s not lying because he wants to hate Shiro right now, wants to hate his guts and want him dead, but how can he? When the man he was in love with was so similar? _Thought_ he was him?

“What have they said?” He asks and Shiro looks at him for a moment. 

“They’ve said to give you space. That you and the- that you and him got close.”

“Right.” Lance says, wetting his lip and swallowing. Right, of course that’s what they said. Maybe that’s what they _think_.

“That’s not true though, is it?” Shiro asks and Lance doesn’t look at him. He doesn’t ask what he means, either. “I can see it in your face. In every look, every… breath you take. You won’t look at me for more than a moment.”

Lance still doesn’t look at him. He _can’t_. His hair is different and his arm is gone, but… he’s the same, and Lance doesn’t trust himself not to unravel completely. 

“Lance…” He says and his voice is so tender, so soft. “I’m so sorry.”

“What does it matter?” He asks, flicking his gaze to Shiro again. Holding it out of defiance. 

“It matters that you’re hurting. It matters that your trust was broken. It _matters_ that your heart is broken.”

Lance scoffs and looks away. He can’t do this. 

“Why are you _here_ , Shiro?” He asks and his voice is tired and it _hurts_.

Shiro gives a small shrug and Lance could almost smile. That’s _so like Shiro_ to just come because… because he wants to find some way to help, because Lance is hurting and he can’t stand it, even if he knows there’s nothing he can do. 

“I just… I wanted to see you.” He says softly and he seems so small and vulnerable. 

He’s so _him_ that it’s killing Lance. 

“The problem.” Lance says softly. “Is that for everyone else you’re the ‘one’. And for me… everything you do reminds me of him, but at the end of the day he was the copy. So it’s not fair on you, is it?”

“I think what’s fair on me is the last of our worries right now. I’m worried about you.”

“Well, thanks.” Lance says, though he feels anything but comforted. 

“Do you want to maybe… tell me about him?” Shiro asks and Lance knows that that can help. 

“No, I don’t.” He says. And he doesn’t.

What they have is.. It was safe and it was theirs and sharing it, even a single detail… feels like a betrayal. 

“Okay.” Shiro says, and he looks like he understands. “Do you… want me to leave?”

Lance is quiet for a very long moment. “I don’t know.” He says quietly. And he doesn’t. It hurts, but… he feels so alone like this and this is more than he’s felt in weeks. Even if it’s bad it’s still… feeling. 

So Shiro nods and he moves across to where Lance is, sitting down on the floor. Lance doesn’t want to look down at him so he slips out of his chair and sits down next to him. 

“I know that there isn’t anything I can say that will make it better.” He says softly. “But I _am_ sorry. It never should have happened like that.”

“No.” Lance agrees. “It shouldn’t.”

They sit there in silence like that for a very long time, neither of them saying anything and Lance doesn’t know whether he feels better or worse for it. 

Eventually he turns to look at Shiro and from the way Shiro tenses a little he can tell that he knows he’s looking, but he doesn’t look back and for that Lance is grateful. 

He lets his eyes wander over Shiro’s features. This is… this is his body. Lance has cupped that cheek, Lance has brushed that hair out of his eyes, Lance has laid in those arms just once. 

Just once. 

It was Shiro’s body to start with, so why does it feel so wrong? Why does it feel like Shiro’s the imposter?

Shiro meets his eyes after a few moments, bringing a hand, catching a tear on the pad of his thumb as it falls. 

“That’s his body.” Lance says softly. 

“It is.” Shiro agrees. “I know it is.”

“You were dead.” He said, and his nose stings as more tears slip down his cheeks and Shiro doesn’t move to catch them. “You were dead.”

“I know.” He agrees again. “I know I should still be dead. I know this is his body. I know that this isn’t what you want, Lance. I’m _sorry_ , if I could take it back I would. If I could take it back and still be dead and for him to be alive and here with you then I _would_.”

“Why?” Lance asks, voice broken and shaking because he _doesn’t understand_.

“Because then you wouldn’t be hurting.” He says quietly. 

“You’d give up your life so that I wouldn’t be hurting?” 

“Maybe.” Shiro says honestly, and Lance believes him. “Did he love you back?”

Lance looks away. “No. I don’t know.”

“Bullshit.” He says and Lance looks at him; he’s never heard Shiro swear. 

Lance doesn’t say anything for a few moments. “Yes.” He says at last. “He loved me back.”

Shiro nods. “Allura says that um, that as time goes on and I get accustomed to this body his and my memories may start to merge.”

“Right.” Lance says softly. 

“I just mean that-”

“I know what you mean.” 

“I know I’m not him-”

“Aren’t you? Isn’t that the whole point of a clone?” Lance says and he doesn’t know who he’s trying to convince. 

“I know I’m not him.” Shiro says again, softly. “And I will never try to be him. Ever. I just want you to know that I’m here for you. Maybe not like _that_ , if that’s not what you want, but I will always be here for you.”

Lance huffs out a shaky breath and nods. “Thanks.”

“I-”

“ _Please_.” Lance says. “Please stop talking now.”

Shiro opens his mouth to say something else; apologise probably, but he stops and Lance is grateful; he doesn’t think he could listen to another word come out of his mouth right now. 

“You can’t… talk to me about that.” He says, not looking at him. “Maybe one day, a very long way away, but not now.” He says and Shiro nods. “It’s not fair.”

“I’m sorry.” Shiro murmurs and Lance clenches his jaw. Why can’t he just shut up?

“You’re _not_ him. I don’t care if you have the same DNA, I don’t care if you have the same body, the same memories, the same thoughts or personality. You are _not_ him, and you will _never_ be him and I don’t _want_ what I had with him with _you_.”

Shiro blinks and he opens his mouth and he closes it again. 

“You should be dead but you’re not. You took his body when he was still alive, they _murdered_ him for you! And they don’t even care. They don’t even _care_ that he’s gone, that they _killed him_. Because he was possessed and that wasn’t his fault!” Lance cries, voice getting louder and more desperate with each word that he speaks. “It wasn’t his fault.”

“Lance…” Shiro says softly, forehead creased into a deep frown. 

“And I’m not even mad at you.” He says quietly. “It’s not your fault and I don’t want you dead. I just want him back, I just want… I just wish that there had been another way, that we could have somehow got one of the other bodies that weren’t… alive and used that, because he didn’t deserve to die. He didn’t deserve to be murdered by the people that he loved and that he thought loved him back.”

Lance swallows thickly, hot tears streaking down his face. 

“And he’s never going to know how I felt. He’s never going to know that I loved him. That I _love_ him. And I’m never going to get to hear him say it or see the look on his face… or know the feeling of his lips or his heartbeat against my ear as I sleep, or…” He breaks off, heaving a soft sob. 

“Lance.” Shiro says quietly, gently laying a hand on his shoulder. “He knew that you loved him back. He knew in the same way that you did. I know that doesn’t make any of this better and it’s awful and I couldn’t feel worse about it, because… it’s because of me, and I know I didn’t ask for it, but it’s still because of _me_... But he knew. I know he did.”

“How?” Lance asks desperately, looking at Shiro with wide watery eyes. 

“I just know.” He says softly, pulling Lance into his arms and Lance feels like he should tense, or pull away, or yell, or scream, or something, but he doesn’t. He crumples against Shiro, face pressed against his neck as he sobs. He hasn’t cried since the first night, he’s felt numb since they left that planet, but now he feels _so much_ , and it hurts _so badly_.

Shiro gently strokes his back, holding him close and Lance doesn’t make to move, or yell, or scream. He stays pressed firmly against Shiro’s body until he’s all cried out, until his skin is tight and his eyes ache, and still he doesn’t move. 

This was his body, but this isn’t him. And it hurts more than anything has ever hurt before, but he’s going to be okay. It might take a very _very_ long time, but he will be. And Shiro is going to be right there with him every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> ;-; I’m sorry ;-; 
> 
> I just have a lot of feelings about this and it wasn’t fair 
> 
> Comments are greatly appreciated 
> 
> [you can check me out on twitter here](https://twitter.com/thatsforme2know)


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